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Hi All,

I am wondering if any single mums or people in the same situation may be able to give me some words of wisdom or put things into prospective for me from another angle. My husband and I have been together for 11 years, married for 5 and have two beautiful children 4 and 2 whom we adore. We function really well as a family and have a healthy supportive household. However, right from the start I have not been sure about my feelings towards my husband.

I have had a terrible past with abuse and terrible relationships, I was really insecure and messed up. I always went for the bad boys, or the boys who didn't want me - as the chase is what really turned me on. However when I met my husband I decided that I wanted to get my life together and that I had had enough of un-healthy relationships.

I had been drinking when I met him however I did find him really attractive on the first night, our eyes locked and we hit it off straight away. We got on really well and really clicked. He pretty much saved me, and in a way I saved him. He has been my rock and I compositely turned my life around. I am now fit, healthy, successful and happy within myself.

However since the first night my feelings towards him have slowly turned more and more to platonic. He became my best friend, my companion and the perfect father. It's so hard to explain, you may wonder why I married him, I just thought that I could do without the chemistry and that the love would grow. Instead, I find myself more and more disconnected and unattractive and have now gotten to the point where I can't stand his smell, can't stand kissing him, all his little mannerisms annoy the hell out of me and he is NOT getting what he deserves out of a wife. I can't stand him touching me in bed, I put a pillow between us so I can't smell him, the list goes on.

I have not had the guts to tell him properly how I feel for 11 years and it has been weighing on my mind heavily. Until now. I finally told him, and have told him that I need time and space to sort my feelings out and decide if i'm in this for the long hall and am willing to live without chemistry or weather or not we are going to just be friends. We agreed on an "In home separation" and amazingly enough, he is open to both outcomes. He loves me and the kids so much, that he is being completely amicable and has moved into spare room to give me the time I need. However I still can't decide what to do!

My questions are: Do I have unrealistic expectations about a marriage? I mean, can you be in love with your husband long term or is it OK to not have those types of feelings? I have read that marriage is mainly friendship, but surely you need chemistry to survive, am I asking too much to have the chemistry as well as the friendship? 2. Are you better off being single than with the wrong man? How hard is it to actually separate? Jeremy and I have agreed we will bring the kids up under the same roof, still share the finances and still have time together as a family, has anyone else done this? IS it possible? 3. How much is this going to damage the children? Please if you have any insight it would be greatly appreciated.
No your expectations are fine, and if there are no feelings there anymore end it in a platonic way.
There’s no need to be with someone just for the children’s sake. It won’t work, and eventually resentment will kick in.
If you and your partner can discuss (and be honest with each other), and try to come to a resolution that you are both happy with.
Communication is and always will be the key.
Good luck.
HI . . I would strongly suggest you go and see a counsellor - not marriage counsellor but a clinical Psychologist to address these issues . . what you are decribing is someone who has come from a traumatic background who is unwittingly seeking that thrill otherwise known is ( what she knows and feels comfortable with ) and being with a supportive man who loves you unconditionally is something unfamiiliar to you thus makes the uneasyness feeling and detestment you are getting ,. . . this is not an easy fix and you could have counselling for a long time to help you work through these issues over time . .. nothing is wrong with your feelings . . you are being honest and open but they are issues you need to work through in order to heal and get better over time . . ( My BESTIE ) was like you and found such a man too 20 plus years relationship 2 grown children and now she is coming apart from unresolved issues in her past and now temporarily separated from her partner to work out her problems which are huge . . I sincerely wish you the very best
it sounds like you both really respect each other and want the other to be happy, but you just don't feel romantically or emotionally about him. Maybe you could have a lover? Definitely need strong boundaries and rules with this, although it sounds like you two can communicate and negotiate well. Then you can both work well as a team/ friends for your home and family, and maybe have a good balance with emotional/romantic needs fulfilled. Just a thought!