Unsuitable sleeping arrangements at Dad's house

My eleven year old daughter sleeping in her Dad's bed

For mums wishing to discuss unwanted sleeping arrangements at Dad's house such as sharing a bed or sharing a room with Dad or with older step-siblings, etc.
Forum rules
Please do not post any real names or identifying details in the forums (This is to comply with Section 121 of the Family Law Act, 1975, and also for privacy issues).
This site does Google - take care that what you write doesn't identify your court case. Posts are not deletable. This site does not contain legal advice. Where personal legal advice is required, please seek the assistance of a competent legal practitioner.
Please read the complete forum rules, terms and conditions here: viewtopic.php?f=16&t=15&start=0
For any concerns regarding this forum, please contact us at: forum.administration@singlemotherforum.com

My eleven year old daughter sleeping in her Dad's bed

Postby singlemum2012 » Wed May 23, 2012 11:44 pm

Hi,
I am new at being a single Mum. I'm in the midst of selling the family we have lived in for 12 years so life is very upside down.

My husband was never interested in me sexually in the 23 years we were together. He had so many excuses and promises! Says he was but still managed to avoid any contact. I am tall, slim and in my early days had many boyfriends, so my self esteem took a huge battering being rejected so much... So much more to say on that topic but I am only explaining it briefly as background to what is going on, concerning my two young daughters, 11 and 13.

We have only been in separate homes for about a month. He is very emotionally needy. He has no family other than the children; no long term friends. (Maybe a few foreign internet female "friends"). His mother rejected him, wrote him out of the will. His eldest daughter has no time for him, and of course, me ,his wife, I rejected him finally. After a whole marriage, that formed most of my adult life, with barely enough intimacy to create 4 children, I could not take anymore. The finances stretched beyond their limit, I needed to go for my mental health sake and in the long run it will be better for the kids. i am taking control and setting us on a path to a better life.

He is a good dad. But he is compelled to need their love and attention and approval. He takes over their school projects, he spends money on them, gives them what they request. Huge collection of electronic media. Hey, that is pretty usual for most Dad's but he NEEDS them way too much!

My eleven year old was exhausted from camp, and the weekend with him was full on and she really needed early nights to rest and recover ready for school on Monday. I get a call from her crying and hysterical at 10pm on Sunday night that she hadn't done her homework. Next morning I find out she is home sleeping in and my 16 year old boy has stayed home to babysit and do his homework. I arrive at their father's house to pick her up and take her home and find her asleep in her Dad's bed. She says she slept there on Friday night as well as her 13 yo sister was having friends over for a sleepover and making too much noise.

I don't believe he thinks it is wrong to have her sleep in his bed. I am sure he would rationalise it as its just the same when she sleeps in bed with me. I don't believe he is doing anything inappropriate but how do I get the message across clearly that he needs to be the adult and see that it is not appropriate. My eleven year old has said she feels he is sad and she doesn't want to hurt his feelings. I cannot imagine this sets up a good grounding for her to manage male relationships as she gets older.

I know what I have to do, but somehow I needed to vent and perhaps get a few words of encouragement. There are so many issues to deal with right now, but this one is worrying me. Thanks for reading. :|
singlemum2012
 
Posts: 4
Joined: Wed May 23, 2012 10:55 pm

Re: My eleven year old daughter sleeping in her Dad's bed

Postby kathiem » Sun Jul 15, 2012 7:45 pm

I can see where HIS need for her to sleep in his bed comes from, as he sounds VERY needy. But it's NOT ON!!!!! I'm glad he has no sexual interest, but its' still not appropriate...please see my reply to a post four hours ago called "cosleeping with dad" by movingon. Explain to him the reasons it should not be done, and hopefully, if he cares for the welfare of the kids more than his own welfare he will see where you are coming from. And think about it?...how appropriate would it be for you to be sharing a bed with an eleven year old boy...I don't think so :-( It's definitely not on, especially with a young girl...but at least he's got his PJ's on! Good luck with it all.
kathiem
 
Posts: 14
Joined: Fri Jun 29, 2012 2:21 pm

Re: My eleven year old daughter sleeping in her Dad's bed

Postby Thomidog » Wed Jul 18, 2012 10:10 pm

I would not be complacent about this situation. This man suffered a serious rejection by his mother at a young age and did not display appropriate masculinity or sexuality towards you as his wife for all that time. Where do or could his energies deploy themselves? He has few friends and therefore little affection in his life. Sounds like a prime candidate for paedophilia if you ask me.

I have a younger brother who was sexually abused at the age of 2 by a man whose mother had committed suicide around the 10-11yo mark: and I later met and dated a man whose mother had committed suicide at a similarly young age for him. He had strong tendencies towards paedophilia - he was a teacher and wanted to seduce his students - and had neglected his wife sexually throughout their marriage. I just have a strong, unproven but not unfounded hunch about the role that severe maternal rejection plays in the development of unhealthy interests in some men.

Your daughter is already being drawn into seeing her Dad as a poor thing to be pitied - he is playing on her sympathies. Poor Daddy. He's so lonely. No one cuddles him - maybe I should. He seems to like it a lot. No-one's really cuddled him for years and years - he wanted to with Mummy but she didn't really like it. You can see where I'm heading with this.

I would take the situation very seriously and have a good talk to both your daughter and your husband saying how important you feel good boundaries are to healthy development and that you don't want them sleeping in the same bed. Then have a really good talk to your daughter saying that no matter what happens, or what her Dad ever says to her, that she must come to you and talk to you if anything ever happens that makes her feel confused and uncomfortable. Explain that even if something happens that makes her feel really scared, she needs to come to you. And then I don't know if there's much more you can do. It may well be that your husband's an honourable man who knows himself well and that he could never allow himself to harm your daughter - but lending him a hand in this direction by clearly establishing the boundaries you expect to see observed cannot possibly hurt.
Thomidog
 
Posts: 15
Joined: Sun May 13, 2012 11:54 pm


Return to Unsuitable sleeping arrangements at Dad's house



Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 3 guests



Subscribe

User Menu

Login Form



Site Login