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By whitefoxforever
#13185
Hi,
I need some help and I'm hoping i might get some understanding from this forum. please let me explain the situation first before everyone just jumps in and says "no no it's morally wrong, you have an obligation to tell the dad". (these are the sort of things i was told on a previous forum)

I have been in a VERY long distance relationship with a guy for seven months, i have always been faithful to him but everytime i see him (which is about ones a month) i learn something new about him and it's never anything I agree with, to be honest I am seriously considering ending it with him. this is what i need some advice about.
in my opinion the man I have been seeing is a racist and a bigot. he has admitted he has broken the law to help out a friend and would do it again if the situation ever was to arise (I hate with a passion Lying, I cannot stand it in any form) He has a 5 year old daughter from a previous relationship and he outright refuses for me to meet her because quote " I think she would ask a lot of questions and not understand why mummy and daddy arn't together" yet I have spoken to her on skype, but he has since stopped that also.

Now I have found out i am pregnant to him after i found out all these things about him, (before i was pregnant) we were having a conversation about education, and i asked him if you had the option of sending your child to a religious school that guaranteed that your child would could out of the end more ready and successful for the working environment OR you had the option to send your child to a non reglious school that cost exactly the same but didn't guarantee anything at the end, which school would send you child to any why. he said quote "I would rather my child grew up in the gutter system than send them to a religious school" appertently he thinks that ALL religion is wrong, now i myself do not identify with any religion but i want the best for my child and if that meant sending them to a religious school then so be it. It just seems to me that his views are more important and correct to him than anyone else. i do not wish to be with a man like that at all. and i am sorry that i didn't find out sooner.

But now i'm pregnant and I am having serious thoughts about not telling him and just breaking it off with him now so he doesn't find out. I'm not about the money i don't want child support or anything like that. I just don't want my child to grow up hate filled like his father. I am worried that if and when i tell him he will want to take control of the situation and will do everything in his power (he has a lot of money) to try and get custody, i cant fight that, and my fear is that if i do tell him and he takes me to court for shared custody that when the child spends time with him the child will learn his bad ways.

What do i do?
I know this is long but i really need some help
By jml2012
#13187
Hi WFF - You are stronger than you think.

I've heard many say that if you know who the father is then you HAVE to tell at least Centrelink/ Child Support, so you will need to check this out.

Remembering there is a lifetime of costs for a child ahead of you, as long as you can afford the costs and therefore don't need CS ... I would probably not tell him.

Why - you were thinking of ending it before you knew. You don't agree with many of his opinions (and it's extremely difficult to raise a child with such wide differences without a lot of stress for everyone). Given his opinion on schooling - you'd be hard pressed to get him to agree and then you'd be out of pocket for that. And finally, as you said - he'd try and take control.

Of course your child may want to know later - so it may be best to keep tabs of some sort (or at least as much info as possible on the father that he can be more easily found later).

I'm of the mindset that a biological parent does not make a good mummy or daddy - so go with your heart.

Good luck xo
By Mum22
#13189
Hey there,
First and foremost, you have an obligation to yourself and the unborn child to stay healthy and calm.
If you are not certain that you want him around for you and baby, then you could break up with him now and See what he does about the relationship. Are their people around you that know you are pregnant who might tell the dad about it? how would you tackle this issue?
Pregnancies last 9 months so you have time to think on this. Bear in mind though that hormones will kick in at some point and you may really want dad around, you may want to keep a diary to reflect on, in your dark moments...
One can argue that morally you have an obligation to tell the dad, but hey! dad's have moral and legal obligations to protect and care for their kids but that doesn't stop many of them failing does it?
Do what you feel is right for you in your situation.
btw, congrats on your pregnancy, and welcome to the forum!
By whitefoxforever
#13192
Thanks guys, I haven't told anyone yet, I'm still trying wrap my head around if I tell the father to be, I don't want or need his money, and I feel that if I did tell him and it came down to him paying child support then he would feel he has more say over the child than what he does. So I don't want him apart or that. My gut tells me that I should tell him but everything else inside me says that he will try and take control of the child :-( oh the dilemmas