Childrens divorce and break up issues, normal parenting issues including breast feeding, toddler woes, baby car seats, booster seats, school holiday and party ideas, , teenager problems, adult children flying the coop - or not! The sheer fun of it all is in here...
By Puchilin
#14302
Not sure where to post this. Just needed to write down or share how I was feeling and ask if some of you find yourself in similar positions at times especially when you don't have the kids. I guess after another 24/7 3 weeks, my 5 and 3 year old went up with their Dad to his parents yesterday afternoon at 4pm. They are coming back today at 6pm. The moment I did the handover I felt off and I have not been able to shake the feeling. He apparently now got a fulltime job regular hours is no longer a sole trador and keeps on talking about it infront of his 5 year old but I am there too? He has told me via email that he had gotten a job a few times but I have chosen to ignore those emails since he has not been paying childsupport or given any sort of support when it comes to payments for his kids for the last 4 month. Not sure why he keeps on bringing up infront of his 5 year old that he has bought new boots for his new job and guess what Daddy can see at his new job...he just went on and on so I left. I don't care about his new job. He worked the last three month as a sole trader but he worked he has rent to pay, he pays his car off he also has bills but has been paying zero childsupport. I am over my head covering everything. It does not matter I think I just go above an beyond with the kids and try to be everything I can to them including working fulltime, making sure they do their homework, their weekly speaches, they are fed, clothed, I am there when they are sick or upset and they get to only seem him when it is convenient for him and he he is magical king and everthing I do seems to vanish. Sorry I think work, bills, no time, resentment towards him not doing his share and getting a free ride has been building up in me the last few months and now that I do not have the little ones for one day and a bit my emotions just became lose or undone. It feels like grief for some reason. I cant explain it. Yes my rational mind tells me take time for yourself get a massage which I will but it does not take away from the fact that I guess I am hurting and I am missing them and feel in so many ways that I am failing them and that I am just not what they need. I don't know does anyone else feel like this or ever has? Mind you I not always get this bad, I guess I also have not let myself have a good cry for the longest time. Any support would be much appreciated.
By Mum22
#14303
Puchilin, You are not alone in this feeling. Also, I think you are right when you say it feels like grief. Grief for a life not lived, opportunities denied, and for a peace not felt.
It is all very well when Courts make Orders that kids be shunted from one parent to another, but there is no thought for the parent who does the lion's share of the parenting, when left alone, - how are we meant to feel, cope and behave? It never seems to get a mention.
When my son was so young, I used to go to bed and sleep through the weekend while the was away - life was jut too damned hard without him, so it was easier on me to just sleep.
As the boys got older I MADE myself do stuff when they were away - I would make a list of jobs to be done - even if it was window-shopping (I never had any money to actually buy myself anything, but I would get ideas for xmas pressies etc).
Puchillin, the situation is unfair, of course it is. But it is the situation you are in. A massage is a great idea. Doing something for yourself while you have the time. When the kids are older, they will do their own thing anyway, and you'll find yourself with time on your hands then too, so think of this as a pre-cursor to that time ahead. By the time your kids are teens, they'll be hanging out with their mates or locked away in their rooms, and you'll still miss them.

Is there anything on at the movies? or perhaps a tourist place near you? You can check it out, and maybe takes the kids later on? I used to sink into a good book while my son was away. These days I catch up on TV shows I have recorded as I am too busy to watch TV usually.

Missing your kids is not a bad thing, it demonstrates how committed you are to them. a credit to you. It hurts, because you care. Do not worry so much about 'daddy' and his fantastic tales...he is big-noting himself to try to make out that he should be important to his children, but kids are much smarter than we give them credit for - in time (if not now) they will realise his role (or lack of it) in their lives. Kids are very perceptive to who loves them. If they have a great time with daddy then that's ok. They will always still know that it is mummy who cares for them, can caress about them and it will always be mummy who can be relied upon.

When they get home, and if they are full of stories etc, "that's nice dear" is all you need say, no judgement, no critique, just acknowledge them, and stories, and feelings, and then you'll be back to 'normal life' again.

I also would really recommend some kind of counseling for you, away from the kids, if you cannot shake the feelings over time. We all get wound up, and knocked down form time to time. Take care of you, and keep a check on your mental health, it is so easy to fall into a rut emotionally, when you are constantly taking care of others and no-one is taking care of you. Give yourself the care and love you need.
By Puchilin
#14304
Thank you much for the words only someone could put into writing who has lived or is living through it. It makes me feel normal and not totally crazy for feeling the way I do. I do know that I need an outlet since the last thing I want to do is to burden other people in my life who have their own share of problems. An outlet like a counselor. Crazy enough I do have a referral I asked for from my GP but I just am trying to find time as to where to fit her in, believe it or not. But I know I need to do it to regain some peace and my own power back and feel that I deserve to have a life too.
By Mum22
#14305
Yes as an attached parent we need to recognise our 'right' to have our own life too. Then comes the challenge in finding the TIME to live this 'own life'. In our case it is the time that is literally enforced as our time without the children. Make it count.
By Puchilin
#14306
hi I know the letting go is hard and finding peace and not guilt for also wanting for needing a life outside the kids.
Yesterday at handover my 5 year old told her Dad she no longer lives
At the old placd but now a new place. That is true mind u I moved over 1 year ago to my
Present address I never mentioned it to him guess out of fear and also
My eldest being scared of him. In previous post I had mentioned that reason for our separation
Was bullying my eldest to the point where I had to find her a safe place with my sister.
He was saying it is my right to know where u live in case
Of an emergency... In any case I just snapped and said what about my right
For financial support in raising our kids what about me paying of ur arrears at childcare, I don't know what you do for work etc etc he then just mumbled u telling me lies as usual and as usual turning it all on me. Saying do u know how hard it is to find work. I am about to lose my car.,.. Blah blah and then before I knew it he said the quickest good bye ever to his kids and was gone???!!! Should I be concerned about him taking the kids because I never told him we had moved ?? But it never came up?! Plus we always meet at the same spot for handover once every three to four weeks?? I am a bit worried and unsure now ;(
In any case my 5 year old had her usual breakdown in the car a lot of pent up emotions and she just cried at home in my arms and did not want to let me go. It is like she holds in all the emotions for me. So I just hugged her and stayed in cuddled the rest of the evening. I hope I have done the right thing.