Childrens divorce and break up issues, normal parenting issues including breast feeding, toddler woes, baby car seats, booster seats, school holiday and party ideas, , teenager problems, adult children flying the coop - or not! The sheer fun of it all is in here...
By Puchilin
#14882
Separated for 3 years now he wants to be a full time Dad again meaning he wants us to move back in together and try to be a family so he can see his kids whenever he can. The issue is he has not changed what has changed in the last 6 months is that my 6 and a half year old does not want to stay at his new place overnight which he now shares with two other single men. Last fortnight the handover took me one hour because she was begging me sobbing for me not to leave her.... He did nothing to help the situation just went straight into victim mode. It ruined my weekend they hardly slept hardly ate over there and now again my 6.5 year refuses to go. I try to explain to her father in the nicest way possible instead of trying to maybe see it from her perspective I have him sobbing uncontrollably over phone barely able to speak, saying that that is why he wants us to get back together. When I tell him I can't that I need to leave the past where it is for the kids sake and mine he threatens me with getting the law involved asking to force the 6.5 year to her dads Friday night and Saf and then he would need to pay me less child support...... So I enter panic mode and tell him that he is threatening me.... Then he switches to telling me to believe him how much he loves me etc etc I can't deal with him anymore he is extremely depressed and not thinking clearly and he always ends up the victim he can't even see that this is not about him nor me but what is best for his 6.5 year old. I don't know what to do anymore I can't cope with her pleading with me in tears to not let her go and him being the victim.... It ruins my weekend it stresses me out it ruins their weekend. I feel like I am meant to fix it all but I can't and I don't have the strength anymore. But his threats still affect me the same way he used to bully me into feeling guilty by constantly threatening me. I don't know what to do all I know is that I can't be also responsible for him and fix his life while taking care of me and three girls. I just can't. Am I being unreasonable?
By Mum22
#14887
No Puchilin, you are NOT being unreasonable.
In fact, I'd say it your 'reasonableness' that is causing you to feel this way. You WANT to help, you WANT to make nice, but all the time he exploits your good nature and YOU end up feeling like YOU may have done something 'wrong' to cause all this. Let me tell you what you already know - THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT..
He is an emotional cripple who leans on you and demands that you 'fix' his problem. You already know what would happen IF you took him back, and you also know that that is NEVER going to happen, and would never be a good thing - not for anyone involved.

What you need, and want, is a way to make the pain of it diminish.

Puchilin, believe in yourself, do not give up on yourself, you know in your heart what you must do, so persevere.

Things will get better, but it takes time.

Allow yourself time to grieve, again, the loss of should have and could have been, but is not. Always, and I mean always, question yourself and your motives, make sure you do what you do because you know and believe it is the right thing to do, and then do it. do it anyway. believe and act according to your knowledge and belief that you know what is right and therefore good and proper.
Things are going to get better, and you are going to be ok. all of you.
By Puchilin
#14889
Thank you. I needed that timely reminder. Sometimes things get a bit overwhelming for me and then suddenly I doubt myself again and fear comes in.
It's true when they say a lepard does not ever change his spots and my ex has done an excellent job in proving to me over and over again that he has not changed that he always will the victim and yes instead of doing the work himself he wants Me to fix his life for him.
He just repulses me the way he cries shamelessly infront of his kids because they do not want to go with him trying to make them feel guilty it is sickening and gutless. Everyone is at fault but poor him he is and always will be and wants to be the victim even infront of his kids sadly enough.
By Mum22
#14890
My ex almost turned the waterworks on in front of my lawyer in Court last time we were there! It was so, contrived. It was pathetic. My lawyer was not impressed.
Do not be fooled.